"Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap."-Galatians 6:7
There comes a time when a playboy reaches a crossroads in his life. He is forced to take an in-depth look at his existence and decide what path he will pursue. Today, we will venture into the aftermath of the playboy who has consciously decided to tame his promiscuous nature after years and even decades of womanizing.
The playboy has finally decided that it is time settle down. The chase and pursuit of random women no longer interest him; the late night club and bar scene lacks the luster that it once had; and the bed squeaking flings only bring an escalating risk of drama. The playboy undergoes a psychological metamorphosis in which he thinks carefully about the repercussions of his behavior. This thinking includes the elevated risk associated with promiscuity. The older he becomes, the more baggage his rendezvous bring. Now that the playboy wants to do what's right, there's only one thing that holds him back. His past.
Although the playboy should be commended for his maturity and his willingness to change, his past cannot be easily forgotten. Every playboy leaves behind a trail of broken hearts, lies, deceit, pain, and shame. The truth of the matter is that no playboy departs his former existence without his creating his own designer baggage. Some find themselves with children to show for the fruits of their "labor", some are riddled with disease; some lose self-respect, some regret the certain women they have slept with and lastly, some sacrifice the true love of a former relationship. As sure as the sun will rise and set today, the playboy has to reap what he has sown.
His punishment may present itself in many forms depending upon the nature of his relationships.
The playboy already in an existing relationship. This person will find it hard to reestablish trust again. Although he may still have a significant other, his past actions will haunt him for the duration of the relationship. He no longer can casually hang out with his friends without arousing suspicion. He is questioned when he comes home later than expected from work. He can expect constant monitoring via the tracking devices we all have called cell phones. He becomes increasingly frustrated and may seek a fresh start. The sad reality is that he created the monster he now deals with.
The playboy that seeks to get back with an ex-girlfriend. His situation is perplexing. After the rebirth of his dignity, many playboys with a conscious seek to redeem himself in the eyes of the people he has hurt. This may be in the form reconciling with a loved one he once betrayed. He does this because apart of him seeks the validating quality of redemption. Instead of moving on, his mind often wonders back to the meaningful relationship(s) he once had. He cares little about the females he only used to satisfy his lust and fulfill his machismo driven nature. His soul is tormented at the thought of actually hurting someone who cared about him regardless of his stature, position of power, and worldly possessions.
The playboy is crushed if he cannot win back the love and affection of his ex. He will go to great lengths to show how he has reformed and shouldn't be defined by his past. He is hurt when if he discovers his ex is no longer interested in him. He will become enraged at the thought of losing her to another man. There isn't necessarily any ill will towards the new man, but just his frustration with himself over his infidelities. Some retired playboys are fortunate enough to get a second chance. If he does, his experiences may be similar to those of the previous example.
The playboy that nobody believes has changed. When a playboy announces to the people that know him best that is shedding his former existence as a playboy to take on the characteristics of an ebony man, he is not taken seriously. Others who have knowledge of his sexual exploits will laugh and encourage him to not even try. They question his discipline and his rationale. They won't even believe in him when they witness the change in his actions. They will say that he is on a "temporary hiatus and soon to return." He can only cleanse his reputation after demonstrating monogamy, discipline, and dedication in the confines of a relationship for an extended period of years. Any determined man, will use the words of the non-believers as motivation.
His past will also have ramifications on future relationships with women that have no knowledge of his playboy existence. His is tormented by the possibility of his past ruining his chances with his new lady. He thinks of what will happen if a disgruntled ex fling pops up raises hell. He also is less than forthcoming about his past and will conveniently omit the most scandalous details of his former life.
Conclusion. The reality of the matter is that the playboy will have to give an account for his actions. Many will struggle with the transition but will eventually adjust and go on to establish substantive marriages and relationships. He won't look back on the years of his youth with to much regret as time elapses. He will view those experiences as lessons learned that were a valuable part of his maturation as a man. Many ex-playboys outgrow that existence and go on to raise families and provide excellent examples for the children to follow. But in the back of their mind, they know that their existence as an Ebony Man is intertwined and rooted in their lessons learned as a Playboy.
There comes a time when a playboy reaches a crossroads in his life. He is forced to take an in-depth look at his existence and decide what path he will pursue. Today, we will venture into the aftermath of the playboy who has consciously decided to tame his promiscuous nature after years and even decades of womanizing.
The playboy has finally decided that it is time settle down. The chase and pursuit of random women no longer interest him; the late night club and bar scene lacks the luster that it once had; and the bed squeaking flings only bring an escalating risk of drama. The playboy undergoes a psychological metamorphosis in which he thinks carefully about the repercussions of his behavior. This thinking includes the elevated risk associated with promiscuity. The older he becomes, the more baggage his rendezvous bring. Now that the playboy wants to do what's right, there's only one thing that holds him back. His past.
Although the playboy should be commended for his maturity and his willingness to change, his past cannot be easily forgotten. Every playboy leaves behind a trail of broken hearts, lies, deceit, pain, and shame. The truth of the matter is that no playboy departs his former existence without his creating his own designer baggage. Some find themselves with children to show for the fruits of their "labor", some are riddled with disease; some lose self-respect, some regret the certain women they have slept with and lastly, some sacrifice the true love of a former relationship. As sure as the sun will rise and set today, the playboy has to reap what he has sown.
His punishment may present itself in many forms depending upon the nature of his relationships.
The playboy already in an existing relationship. This person will find it hard to reestablish trust again. Although he may still have a significant other, his past actions will haunt him for the duration of the relationship. He no longer can casually hang out with his friends without arousing suspicion. He is questioned when he comes home later than expected from work. He can expect constant monitoring via the tracking devices we all have called cell phones. He becomes increasingly frustrated and may seek a fresh start. The sad reality is that he created the monster he now deals with.
The playboy that seeks to get back with an ex-girlfriend. His situation is perplexing. After the rebirth of his dignity, many playboys with a conscious seek to redeem himself in the eyes of the people he has hurt. This may be in the form reconciling with a loved one he once betrayed. He does this because apart of him seeks the validating quality of redemption. Instead of moving on, his mind often wonders back to the meaningful relationship(s) he once had. He cares little about the females he only used to satisfy his lust and fulfill his machismo driven nature. His soul is tormented at the thought of actually hurting someone who cared about him regardless of his stature, position of power, and worldly possessions.
The playboy is crushed if he cannot win back the love and affection of his ex. He will go to great lengths to show how he has reformed and shouldn't be defined by his past. He is hurt when if he discovers his ex is no longer interested in him. He will become enraged at the thought of losing her to another man. There isn't necessarily any ill will towards the new man, but just his frustration with himself over his infidelities. Some retired playboys are fortunate enough to get a second chance. If he does, his experiences may be similar to those of the previous example.
The playboy that nobody believes has changed. When a playboy announces to the people that know him best that is shedding his former existence as a playboy to take on the characteristics of an ebony man, he is not taken seriously. Others who have knowledge of his sexual exploits will laugh and encourage him to not even try. They question his discipline and his rationale. They won't even believe in him when they witness the change in his actions. They will say that he is on a "temporary hiatus and soon to return." He can only cleanse his reputation after demonstrating monogamy, discipline, and dedication in the confines of a relationship for an extended period of years. Any determined man, will use the words of the non-believers as motivation.
His past will also have ramifications on future relationships with women that have no knowledge of his playboy existence. His is tormented by the possibility of his past ruining his chances with his new lady. He thinks of what will happen if a disgruntled ex fling pops up raises hell. He also is less than forthcoming about his past and will conveniently omit the most scandalous details of his former life.
Conclusion. The reality of the matter is that the playboy will have to give an account for his actions. Many will struggle with the transition but will eventually adjust and go on to establish substantive marriages and relationships. He won't look back on the years of his youth with to much regret as time elapses. He will view those experiences as lessons learned that were a valuable part of his maturation as a man. Many ex-playboys outgrow that existence and go on to raise families and provide excellent examples for the children to follow. But in the back of their mind, they know that their existence as an Ebony Man is intertwined and rooted in their lessons learned as a Playboy.
Like I said... the monologue is very accurate. It inspired my friends and I to a good discussion based on the theories the article produced and our own personal experiences. Naturally, the one's who had the most experience at being "playboys" had the most insightful things to say. Surprisingly, most of the things said were not per se in support of the "playboy" lifestyle, but was geared to maturation and knowing thyself. Here are the most relevant parts of the discussion. Obviously it will be editted and real names will not be used.
Friend - The "former" "playboy" friend trying to grow:
Although somewhat long winded, the above sentiment is both well written and seemingly genuine. I believe that this notion of a self motivated maturation markes a transitional point in the life of any man cognizant of the patterns of his experiences and interactions with others. Yes, the past of a "Playboy" will undoubtedly have ramifications on future relationships with women, but it is also this past which we can not excape that becomes a platform for competencies of adaptation and application of realizations. The first step is acknowledgement and accountability, the second is desire for growth/change. We must remember that people do not change other people, an individual will only change when he or she reaches a point of relevant self fullfillment, selflessness, or recognition of a greater cause.
Friend - Professor X:
"A man cannot live off bread alone...."
As each of us reads this passage we all understand the importance of developing our third eye. The journey one takes in knowing thyself is exhausting and complicated. As I can see alot of myself in that man's reflection I can also see alot of you bruva's as well, hence our connection. As refreshing as it is to be disillusioned by the realities we create in our mind, I'm afraid to say in my case that it is only brief to maintain truth to thyself without the lust of my nature creeping back in. Being aware of this is all the more hazardous because I navigate committing pre-meditated organized confusion. I do not need open bars cuff lings or european scented fragrances to commit my ha nous acts. I do not even need the realization one obtains from living a lonely life as a bachelor. And through my selfishness the only light at the end of the tunnel is an ideal I have that one day this super fly woman will show up and make it all worth it. She will possess the tools and wisdom that will align our harmony.
But as most men of my generation who only have grandma's relationship to appreciate and the formidable knowledge and wit to conveniently address these matters when we feel like it kinda know there is no defense against our offense. No career that can satisfy our interest, and no tangible possession to maintain our happiness and satisfaction.
Nonetheless this aint the ricky lake show. I ain't gonna lie and say ima start love over, but I am trying to change the way in which I navigate. Lets not try to worry so much about our destination that we miss out on the lessons in our journey. Man is made for woman and we are only meant to understand our nature. We cannot understand that which we have not created good bruvas. But yawl know I be on my black power tip which is why i'll prolly end up with a white gurl and some dreads talking bout institutionalized racism and placism.
As each of us reads this passage we all understand the importance of developing our third eye. The journey one takes in knowing thyself is exhausting and complicated. As I can see alot of myself in that man's reflection I can also see alot of you bruva's as well, hence our connection. As refreshing as it is to be disillusioned by the realities we create in our mind, I'm afraid to say in my case that it is only brief to maintain truth to thyself without the lust of my nature creeping back in. Being aware of this is all the more hazardous because I navigate committing pre-meditated organized confusion. I do not need open bars cuff lings or european scented fragrances to commit my ha nous acts. I do not even need the realization one obtains from living a lonely life as a bachelor. And through my selfishness the only light at the end of the tunnel is an ideal I have that one day this super fly woman will show up and make it all worth it. She will possess the tools and wisdom that will align our harmony.
But as most men of my generation who only have grandma's relationship to appreciate and the formidable knowledge and wit to conveniently address these matters when we feel like it kinda know there is no defense against our offense. No career that can satisfy our interest, and no tangible possession to maintain our happiness and satisfaction.
Nonetheless this aint the ricky lake show. I ain't gonna lie and say ima start love over, but I am trying to change the way in which I navigate. Lets not try to worry so much about our destination that we miss out on the lessons in our journey. Man is made for woman and we are only meant to understand our nature. We cannot understand that which we have not created good bruvas. But yawl know I be on my black power tip which is why i'll prolly end up with a white gurl and some dreads talking bout institutionalized racism and placism.
Matt Murdock - yours truly:
In my eyes there are two theories that will plague us in the area of love: 1) the "Agricultural" Effect; and 2) the "Butterfly" Effect. I am a member of the "Butterfly" Effect so let me elaborate. To quote a female friend of mine in lawschool (from California, that's why she can say it and still be so cool), "If I don't want to rip your clothes off after the initial meeting, what's the point?" The "Butterfly" effect is premised of this "initial" notion. If a female does not give you butterflies, what is the point? In a world where black males like ourselves are the most dangerous and sought after forces in the world today, my ego hinders me from becoming involved with, attached to, serious with anyone that doesn't give me butterflies. An ex-mate of mine asked me last week what do I look for in a woman now given where I am currently in life. Naturally your answer should be the sign "<=" greater than or equal to. I will not get caught up in someone who wants me for my money, i will not get caught up in someone who cannot keep up intellectually, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and the like. I am a believer in, you know who you want and you know what you want them for, thus the "Butterfly" effect. Girls who do not give off this effect are treated any sort of way because you know there is no future and it is something you are doing for the time being. The "Butterfly" effect, however will have you doing things uncharacteristic. You actually pick up the phone to call her the day after you meet her, but hesitate because you do not want to come over creepy. All your crude humor is put to the side because you are unaware as to how it will be perceived. You put your best foot forward showing all your prior transgressions that you did know how to act, you did know how to treat a lady, but you just didn't do it for them. Now the "Butterfly" effect is not simply physical appearance, but everything. It means something different to everyone. For Professor X it can be a combination of many things with intellect, conversation, wit, and articulation being at the forefront. Whatever the case may be, the "Butterfly" effect has it's negatives but for the sake of time, I won't get into them because they should be obvious given the next theory.
Next, the "Agricultural" Effect. This theory is evidenced in 90% of women, but men put their own spin on it. As the name suggests, it is the cultivation of a relationship, love, etc. 9.9/10 we will not get that "Butterfly" feeling upon meeting someone. Because of this lack of feeling, some devalue the other and she is placed in a room with a glass ceiling that is not to far above her head. Others, who may be more mature and have the right idea, take something that is of interest and see what becomes of it. They pick a seed out of a barrel of a million different ones, not knowing what kind of seed it is, and plant it waiting to see what plant grows. Thus, the game of chance begins. But what is chance? Chance is a risk involving danger. What is the risk? The risk is that the seed we plant may turn out to be a thorn bush. What is the danger? The danger is of course the thorn bush, but also WASTED TIME. Wasted time on cultivating a thorn bush when there were a million other seeds that could have been planted. Much like relationships that go for two years and then dissolve. I am told that these kinds of relationships help you in the future, you learn from it and grow, etc etc, thus it is not a waste of time but something like training for the better. While this may be true, it doesn't appeal to me. Sure I like to bet money on football games but time may be the most valuable resource we as individuals have. I have only 60 seconds after all. But wait, sometimes, risk turns into REWARD. We all know what reward is. But that is something that I refrain from discussing in my view, it is complicated. I am beginning to get tired of typing so I will conclude my thoughts. In the end, we all wish for the "Butterfly" effect but most times only have the choice of the "Agricultural" effect.
Tony Stark - Team Member:
Most of you know my personal achievements and experiences I've had from living the playboy lifestyle, yet ALL of you know my progression and perserverance thru the lowest of my low. With that being said, the playboy lifestyle is unfortunately glorified by society, (Pre-Obama). But for an Ebony Man who seeks substantial stability in life, he may often battle with himself because of his lifestyle. While analyzing the "Playboy Sentiment" above, it was impossible for me to personally deny the truths expressed. While reading I felt as if I were looking over a lake on a sunny day and seeing the unstable image of myself. For lack of a better word: Its extremely accurate.
A conscious playboy consistently battles with his lifestyle. This is because he consistently chooses the short-lived pleasurable experiences and temporarily closes his eyes on endeavours that may POSSIBLY have greater meaning in the future. Yet as stated above, if this playboy is conscious, he knows his days are numbered. And as stated above, the change must come from within. No experience, no person, and definitely no woman can change the way he thinks and operates. Instead it must be a combination of life lessons, experiences, and his willingness to want to better himself. Combination is the key.
Like Matt Murdock, I have decided to steer away from any precious ladies who do not give me butterflies. Some may call it my ego, I call it knowing my self-worth as a rare yet dangerous human being in America. The Educated Black Man. We are the cream of the crop. Loving ourselves is what makes us operate with dedication in our daily lives. I do not believe loving ourselves will stop us from loving her (whenever she comes). I believe it will make it easier for us to embrace her, appreciate her and be what she wants and needs. This is in part, life as Murdock stated, we SHOULD know what we want and at the very least know what we don't want (White Woman).
Whether it be chance, circumstance or risk, the Agriculture Effect wil only be lived by a playboy if he chooses to. I would say 9 out of 10 times, he is looking for the Butterfly Effect. However, if he's blessed enough to remember the lessons from his life experiences, the Butterfly Effect will slap him across the face like Rick James wearing the Unity Ring. I believe this blessing will come effectively, effeciently and most of all swiftly if the playboy incorporates change into his lifestyle. Although he will continue to battle his alter ego's his end product (Kids, Career, Happiness, Success) should confirm every experience, whether good or bad, was well worth it.
As thinking men, which we are (Professor X), let's put more thought into our actions, decisions and words. If we could mentally hang our life goals infront of our eyes before we act, our reactions will be less and our proactions will be great in number. That should also make the battle of Living Everyday As If It's Your Last, less painful.
A conscious playboy consistently battles with his lifestyle. This is because he consistently chooses the short-lived pleasurable experiences and temporarily closes his eyes on endeavours that may POSSIBLY have greater meaning in the future. Yet as stated above, if this playboy is conscious, he knows his days are numbered. And as stated above, the change must come from within. No experience, no person, and definitely no woman can change the way he thinks and operates. Instead it must be a combination of life lessons, experiences, and his willingness to want to better himself. Combination is the key.
Like Matt Murdock, I have decided to steer away from any precious ladies who do not give me butterflies. Some may call it my ego, I call it knowing my self-worth as a rare yet dangerous human being in America. The Educated Black Man. We are the cream of the crop. Loving ourselves is what makes us operate with dedication in our daily lives. I do not believe loving ourselves will stop us from loving her (whenever she comes). I believe it will make it easier for us to embrace her, appreciate her and be what she wants and needs. This is in part, life as Murdock stated, we SHOULD know what we want and at the very least know what we don't want (White Woman).
Whether it be chance, circumstance or risk, the Agriculture Effect wil only be lived by a playboy if he chooses to. I would say 9 out of 10 times, he is looking for the Butterfly Effect. However, if he's blessed enough to remember the lessons from his life experiences, the Butterfly Effect will slap him across the face like Rick James wearing the Unity Ring. I believe this blessing will come effectively, effeciently and most of all swiftly if the playboy incorporates change into his lifestyle. Although he will continue to battle his alter ego's his end product (Kids, Career, Happiness, Success) should confirm every experience, whether good or bad, was well worth it.
As thinking men, which we are (Professor X), let's put more thought into our actions, decisions and words. If we could mentally hang our life goals infront of our eyes before we act, our reactions will be less and our proactions will be great in number. That should also make the battle of Living Everyday As If It's Your Last, less painful.
With that I invite comments from the public forum.
Posts
14 comments:
that was pretty good
but a monologue of lies....due to the fact that it really is true that "once a player always a player"
if u replace the word "playboy" with "homosexual" please see if anyone would believe that one day u can all of a sudden change your ways
nope!
so I don't believe that shit.
thanks
I'm tryna figure out which one of the 4 opinions is my friend...
lol i mean, everything in it is pretty much true
even as a female on the receiving end of playboys, i knew all that already
esp the part that no female changes a playboy. it won't change until he gets tired of it, if ever.
hmmm....and here I thought only white(asian, latino) men went through that, "I just matured, and should find a wife" stage somewhwere around 26-32.....feel like about 65% of blackmen dont...they just get trapped one day and do it for the kids that have accumulated...Well doesn't that make the educated Blackman sound like even more of a prize now.......
I think most educated Black men feel entitled to the butterfly effect, cause you've worked hard for the world, so don't you deserve the world?...while women start to feel pretty stupid to expect the butterfly effect after a while and resort to agriculture cause like 10% of educated niggas give butterflies...so initially we enable your playboy, and it's probably not until all the bitches in you life become farmers...that you have this epiphany to get your life together lol but as long as it happens
I believe the original monologue was a very powerful revelation. I believe that it was man who experienced first hand the spiritual law of sowing and reaping. In other words he understands the importance of each individual to consistently and daily work on improving their character. But I believe he could have even taking his monologue a step further. It is not just enough to just say I'm going to settle down with one girl. I believe if men want their marriage to be based on a solid foundation. They must trust God (trust the bible completely) with how to handle their relationship with the woman they choose to date. If a man has retired from being a playboy but is with one woman and they are in fornication with each other. Then the ex-playboy has learned nothing, and will experience just as many problems as he would have if was living the playboy lifestyle. He may actually struggle more inwardly because in his mind he is moving forward when in reality according to God, he is still actively in sin.
Another problem that I see is the arrogance that comes with being a successful black person in this country. The attitude that says, because I was not expected to succeed, and yet I succeeded, so no one can tell me what to do. This is a disaster waiting to happen, and if you have gotten to the point where you feel like you have everything under control and only certain people can talk to you because you have reached a certain level. This will be disastrous for your relationship, because it is a disastrous lifestyle and mindset according to scripture.
The best and most obvious example of pride would be Satan himself.
The prophet Isaiah showed us in Isaiah 14 verse 12-15 that God kicked Satan out of heaven because his pride got to the point where he wanted to be God.
12: How you have fallen from heaven,
O morning star, son of the dawn!
You have been cast down to the earth,
you who once laid low the nations!
13: You said in your heart,
“I will ascend to heaven;
I will raise my throne
above the stars of God;
I will sit enthroned on the mount of assembly,
on the utmost heights of the sacred mountain.
14: I will ascend above the tops of the clouds;
I will make myself like the Most High.”
15: But you are brought down to the grave,
to the depths of the pit.
And if that is not enough Proverbs 8 verse 13 states clearly:
13 To fear the Lord is to hate evil;
I hate pride and arrogance,
evil behavior and perverse speech.
A relationship will never succeed the way to its potential if a man or a woman feels like they are better than the other. It will never work if a person looks at the relationship as what can this person do for me, instead of what can I do for you?
This is why sex must wait because you can not possibly objectively evaluate how you really feel about someone without taking into consideration your sexual connection which is supposed to be developed after your original bond is first completed. This comes straight from the word of God our creator, who know us better than we know ourselves.
Hebrews 13:4 (NIV)
4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
But as the original monologue talked about, playboys know what they are doing is wrong. So why can't they stop if they know it is wrong. Even the person who struggles with porn who knows in his heart it is wrong why can't they stop? Because the sin has power over them, and it takes the power of God to get them back on track. When you are deep into sin, you can’t change with your own power, (or you would have done it already) you need God. Why? We are naturally selfish people. Our first inclination is to think of ourselves first and take care of number one. But this attitude is no good if you want a healthy relationship and a healthy marriage. You must learn things like sacrifice, patience, delayed gratification. Things that our society knows nothing about, but I'm sure if you talk to anyone who has a marriage over 20 years will tell you the same. So for any playboy who reads this comment and wants a healthy marriage I would recommend that you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior and follow his ways in his holy bible. It will give you everything you need and show you how to build character and to make yourself a worthy husband. I just want to leave everyone with my one of my favorite quotes in the bible on how God describes love. This will show you if you really love your girl (or your man if there are any ladies reading this). More importantly though it shows how God loves all of us.
1st Corinthians 13 verse 4 through 7
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Gregory is a smart man
"A man cannot live off bread alone...."
Professor X, it saddens me to read your comment. Especially because it comes from an educated black man which has been accepted to be a rare and valued commodity. "A man cannot live off bread alone..." is something that you say when you are referring to the fact that people need things such as art, music and poetry as well as food, in order to live a happy life. Not when you refer to Women. It is almost insulting, as a woman, to hear the quote being used in such a manner. I say almost because it is clearly a reflection of 1) the women that you have chosen to associate yourself with and 2) your pending maturity.
I believe the monologue accurately explained the problems that men face after living the life of the “playboy” for too long. From a woman’s perspective I think the problem is multi-faceted. Not only do you Playboys hinder your chances at true love because of your designer baggage (potentially coming back to haunt you) or because women no longer trust you - you also hinder your chances at true love by wasting time. By the time you do come to your senses (and realize that your running around with numerous women has left you with no real woman) you may come to realize that all of the women that would have, could have, and probably did take you seriously - have given up.
The agricultural affect is probably the most realistic in my opinion. Everyone isn’t going to give you butterflies, and if she does… She probably gave Tom, Paul and Harry butterflies as well. And with all of those options, Butterfly girl isn’t taking chances with your Playboy behind (who thinks he’s ready to settle down).
Moreover, to say that one cannot control the lust that creeps back in – is to make excuses and admit defeat. Defeat because in the long run, you only hurt yourself and excuses because you hide behind them instead of taking control to change things.
One thing is for sure, however - and that is: Any true desire to mature will come from within. And despite what some may call “a waste of time” maturity usually does come from experiences in which you learn from past mistakes.
Gregory IS a smart man. Duly noted.
Although I appreciate Gregory's comments,I am very interested to know what happens to the 95% of the world who has had sex before marriage. Clearly we have sinned(and most continue to) in God's eyes.
The question is whether it matters if you refrain from sleeping around and only have monogomous relationships where you make passionate efforts to get to know the one mate that you believe that you love?
Does it matter that you are only having sex with one person before marriage? Or is one the same as 5? Is fornication just fornication regardless of the number?
That was a conversation that I was having with the guy that I am currenlty involved with and I would love your opinion.
maybe gregory can come with some citations, but my 2 cents...:
Ok so how many of us confuse sex for love….
Because, “That nigga’s dick made ME fall in love…”
or , “ Good pussy can make a nigga catch feelings.”
But when you hear people describe how much they love someone….it usually doesn’t involve how that nigga fucked you out last night…
Like the girl’s ability to give super head or regular head is usually not the tipping point of LOVE, possibly of LIKE, and a willingness to explore a relationship, but SUPERhead is still single…
All that vulgar language to say, what makes you love someone enough to marry them is not the sex. The sex will enhance your bond to anyone, absolutely anyone. Sex will definitely enhance your bond to the right person, but your discovery of how right they are for you is not done by having sex with them.
In general, if you decide to change and live in the way the Bible has set forth you will be forgiven (you also have to ask...)
But in the area of having sex with one person. I read in a study bible once, that said having sex period was considered a consummation of marriage. It went on to say that the first person you have sex with, you are considered married to that person, and all persons you have sex with there after would make you an adulterer.
This is consistent with what we see in the Catholic church, which declared that you may divorce as long as you do not have sexual relations with the next person you marry :( .......
But in general I think that God set forth rules for us to live by because it is just a better way to live. SO having a mate and being faithful to a mate, you don't have to be Christian to see the benefits of that, especially now with unwanted pregnancies and the rampant disease in our community.
At the same time, if you want God to work with you, you have to make the decision to want to work with God, and not make him the God you WANT him to be (the one who turns a deaf ear to certain sins like fornication, but not homosexuality)…basically one who caters to your selective carnal desires. Cause we can take your monogamy a step further and say, well I’m barron and in a monogamous relationship with a woman, how is that wrong if we love each other, I can’t have kids so I’m not hurting anyone, love God, love people, tithe…
No one is perfect, but the “points” are garnered in the sincere attempts. A large part in the arena of forgiveness of sins, is forgiving yourself, and having faith that you are forgiven. Faith will help you to assess your sexual relationship with someone, and faith will help you to find someone in the 5% that doesn't have sex before marriage, or someone who did, but has decided to follow a different creed... but I understand where you're coming from cause that sounds like a fairytale to most people....
Huge Kudos for the basis of the discussion but more so for the opinions listed thereafter.
I guess the debate can go on and on as far as what is right and what is wrong but for me fact is fact.
As I mentioned to you, I've realized that for a large portion of desirable black women, it is a Man's World! Men know what they want but more importantly WHEN it is that they want what they want or don't want. And for the lot of women, the timing just does not align. So you may have butterfly boy fluttering around you but butterfly boy is fluttering around on his 'playboy-ness' and will get back to you (but more than likely some less than appealing woman) when he is good and ready.
No, this is not all men but there are a large number of men that are just not ready for something consistent and monogomous, and this is because they simply don't WANT to. How many times (this is to the ladies) have you seen of a man being with a young lady or maybe even you have been that seemingly desirable young lady and they are not ready to commit, and then you happen to run into them a couple years later and he's engaged to a mediocre-ly social Quasi Moto...
Now no shade Q Moto, because we are in an age where people finally recognize that looks aren't everything, but in my opinion it's about where you're standing when the music stops spinning... in other words, she was there when he was ready and it worked. It's the musical chairs of the single life.
Women for the most part may want to live by the butterfly effect but the truth of the matter is the majority of men are living the PLAYBOY EFFECT (which is by ALL means is cool... do you) so we women, have to go with the agricultural effect: put ourselves out there for something that doesn't necessarily give us butterflies but 'works' and see where it goes. And yes, that can be a waste of time, but at that point, you should know what you want and so then knowing if what you want and what you have don't match, stopping while you're ahead shouldn't be a problem.
But I understand this all very well... it is what it is and personally, where man faults God picks up... I'm immensely pessimistic but that is where the faith I do have lies. Sooner than later you "find" someone who you have a worm of an agricultural effect with INITIALLY but it cacoons and that connection, with time, turns into a butterfly (effect)
As I have several comments, I'll go in order of the blog itself.
The Monologue:
This monologue is based on the concept that the playboy reaches a CONSCIOUS DECISION to make this change. Just so there's no confusion, I'd like to point out that it is NOT a natural phenomenon ladies and gentlemen. As evidenced by the millions of men who continue to cheat on their wives daily, and will continue to do so until the day they die, not all men experience this metamorphosis. He has to want to change, and that want has to come from within himself. I say this to say: Ladies, nature can't evoke it, neither can we. As a woman, I can appreciate the IDEA that the life expectancy of a playboy is short; but the reality is, the life of a playboy is determined by the playboy himself... so there is no true life expectancy. What we can do is raise our standards. Part of what feeds the life of a playboy are the women who provide them with the "bed squeaking flings," nourishing them for years and years. If something is not fed it can not live.
Friend Discussion:
It seems like the only one that is ready to truly grow is the former playboy. He speaks of change based on anknowlegdement, accountablility, and a desire from within... not the idea of a "super-fly female" that is going to sweep him off his feet or give him butterflies. While I'm sure this idea is fancied...it doesn't posess the foundation necessary to truly grow and never go back. It's like trying to go through a twelve-step substance abuse program without admitting you have a problem. What if this "super-fly female" turns out to be super-wrong? Then what- do you revert back to your old ways?
The idea that a guy can change just because the "right female" comes along is elementary in my opinion. I respect their desire to change, but if its for the wrong reasons... will it really be effective?
Agricultural v. Butterfly:
This is where it gets tricky. I actually agree with this theory. I agree that it is accurate, in that a lot of guys utilize this "school of thought;" but is it right? Absolutely not. And- again, just so there's no confusion- guys, you are not alone...women do too. This idea that someone who gives you butterflies is the one who will "make it all worth it" is, for lack of a better word, silly. I will be the first to say that I have experienced "butterflies" from a few guys...were they Mr. Right? Being that I don't have a "ring on it"...I'm going to go with-- NO.
Under the Agricultural Effect, a lot of good women (and men) are overlooked, taken for granted, and mistreated. Yes, that there is a risk factor involved here... the person you decide to "cultivate" may or may not be the right one... but is it any more of a risk than the one associated with the Butterfly Effect? I don't think so. I'm not saying that getting butterflies from someone is not good; I'm just saying that NOT getting is not necessarily bad. A guy who makes me want to "rip [his] clothes off" is not anymore likely to make me happy than someone who I take the time to get to know and gets to know me.
To quote the author of this blog- "In the end, we all wish for the 'Butterfly' effect but most times only have the choice of the 'Agricultural' effect"- it seems the agricultural affect is strongly disfavored. Assuming that by "we" he means "most guys," I am brought to my next point. It seems that guys are much more hung up on achieving this butterfly effect than females are. While we are definetly driven by the feeling of attraction, we are more likely to take a chance on a guy who does not give us those initial feelings and see what he has to offer. Surprisingly... (or not so)... they are actually the ones who end up treating us right. As the writer above me, author "ME", so elloquently put it: "Sooner than later you 'find'someone who you have a worm of an agricultural effect with INITIALLY but it cacoons and that connection, with time, turns into a butterfly (effect)."
Lastly (because this is getting way too long):
This idea that an educated Black man is so rare that he needs to act like a high-priced collector's item is not-the-look. Again, JUST so there's no confusion- I LOVE an educated black man...but as an educated black woman I am just as much of a prize as he is, and I expect to be treated as such. I don't understand this newly-adopted principle that females need to automatically lay out a red-carpet to get the attention of the educated black man...and, while I am more of a traditionalist, I don't think I am alone in this. Being an educated black man is not the sole qualification in life. So for those of you out there who are expecting to get this royal treatment just for "gracing us with your presence" ... you might be slightly disappointed, whether you give me butterflies or not. An educated black man that knows his value and uses it as a growth mechanism is admirable. Inspiring himself in finding, and persuing, a female of the like stature is admirable. Using it to demand a list of standards, that he probably doesn't meet himself, is not. Knowing your self-worth is one thing- letting your ego get in the way of potential blessings is another.
well first let me say, I do appreciate the topic of discussion as I think it is quite real and true. I won't go into too many specifics, but I will start by addressing the butterfly effect vs. agriculture effect. The butterfly effect that is mentioned is undoubtedly the result of the excitement, attraction and anticipation for the future that one gets when they meet someone who's chemistry ignites a spark within them. However, men and women flock to this effect because of the emotionality that comes with it. I do not think it has to be viewed as a bad thing. Initial chemistry and spark is important and can be the basis of a great relationship. It's what you do with it after you pass through the parataxic phase (the pre-logical phase full of distortions of what you want them to be) that determines if it will be more than butterflies. Meaning, after the butterflies pass, due you work through the distortions to get to the deeper part of the person, or do you find there was not enough substance behind the butterflies to continue on? This is where agriculture comes in, because it does not matter how great butterflies were from jump, time and effort have to go into any relationship to cultivate it and every butterfly and spark either fizzles or dims from time to time and only agriculture(taking the good qualities still standing after butterflies and developing them over time) will hold it together in the in between or after it's gone. I believe this is where playboys and "play girls" miss out on what could be more. They do not want to put in the effort and time to see past the initial butterfly once it dims. I think the playboy is held up on the butterfly because everything is about instant gratification. Perhaps once maturation takes place and the playboy learns how to control impulses and delay gratification, then they can see the true benefit of agriculture. I for one am a hopeless romantic and love butterflies, but do not judge them as being more right or real than the man that does not put a flutter in my gut.
Furthermore, I think agriculture can turn to butterflies. It might be a different form of butterfly, but the spark and stomach rumbles all the same! When you realize the person you have invested real time in, is "The one" or quite possibly the one, butterflies can emerge. It's no longer the unknown of the person that brings the butterflies but the unknown of your future journey together and the deeper love you share with the person.
Secondly, I will say the Playboy must get rid of the pride that fuels the belief that they are high and mighty because they are black, educated men. Yes be proud, but not prideful. Pride has no place in a relationship, and keeping that much will not attract, but turn off those women who know they are just as special and sought after as yourself.
Lastly, Let us remember in relationships, people, and play boys only do what we allow them to. Once we get it in our heads that we can not change anyone and can be honest with ourselves about what we want, then we can start to find "our one" or be content just having fun with the playboys, or girls and not expecting a lifetime mate. You must find yourself and know yourself before you can find your true mate. That goes for the playboy and the women in their life. Find yourself through God and let his fate bring you to your mate. Easier said then done, I know, but worth striving towards.
Great discussion people!
First, I would like to thank “the most dangerous thing in the world” for such a worthy topic. Secondly, Mr. Matt Murdock I give you kudos for inspiring such insightful comments… and I will keep my comment brief.
As an educated black woman that has dated those infected with the Successful Black Men Syndrome (SBMS), I am inclined to agree with Mr. Murdock on his butterfly theory.
I have dated the Cliff looking for his Claire and a host of other characters looking for what they perceive to be a woman of a certain pedigree and the relationships that stemmed from the initial butterfly effect were far more fulfilling. On a personal note, the butterfly effect is merely a signal. It is not a conclusive feeling “that this is the one”. The butterfly effect does not make me want to rip someone’s clothes off. The feeling is a reaction during the initial encounter once I realize “this person has something special,” hence is different from everyone else. It is this special something along with a host of other characteristics that ultimately leads me to the decision of whether to date someone. I must admit, I know exactly what I want and don’t feel the need to waste time with men who don’t embody the characteristics of someone I want to share my life with. And yes, this means I date far less than other women. Ultimately, if or when all the chips fall down (assuming that the effect led me to that special person) I want to be with someone that I feel is special and not a laundry list of characteristics that I could have very well found in someone else. More importantly, I hope that feeling is reciprocated by my mate. I do not want to spend my life with someone that is with me because of “what I do” or the potential he saw in me.
I commend you gentlemen for being cognizant of the fact that your status as young successful black men places you among the most dangerous things in the world. Please keep in mind, to whom much is given, of him much will be required. Please keep God in your lives and I challenge you all to make serious and conscious decisions about who you choose to date and NOT egotistical decisions. For the woman is the glory of the man.
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